Letter to Myself

So two days ago I had a really great day working on the project – everything went really well, people that we worked with took us around and introduced us as “the students from Berkeley who have new and exciting methods to teach,” and I felt like I knew exactly what I was doing. Most of all, I felt like I was doing something useful, and I felt good about myself.

The very next day, I saw all of the same people, but it felt like everything fell apart. There was some miscommunication, and because I still don’t know all of the past of the project I couldn’t explain why some things were the way they were, and walked away feeling stupid and embarrassed and most of all, discouraged. I felt like the whole project had been called into question (even though it hadn’t really – this was just my emotional reaction). I felt deflated and angry.

My friend and I talked about it for awhile over our comfort food (uttappas – think savory pancakes!) and I realized that maybe I was mixing up my ego with the project it too much. When I felt good about myself through the project, I was able to feel happy and fulfilled, but as soon as stuff went wrong I felt horrible. There’s a difference between being invested in something and defining yourself by it.

Also, I’ve noticed myself feeling really possessive of parts of the project. For example – I initiated a Photovoice program this summer, and now there are 3-5 of us who work on it. I caught myself feeling like it was my program, and feeling defensive of it – not wanting to share it with other people, etc. I feel like I am holding on to it with a clenched fist, and instead I want to open my hand. By creating an identify for myself that is based on what I do, I become less flexible and set myself up for a rollercoaster of an identity ride. I want to know who I am when everything I do is stripped away.