When someone asks me how the photovoice project went, I automatically say something along the lines of, “Oh, it was great, it worked out really well, the kids were awesome…” etc etc.
And none of it is a lie… but it doesn’t give a good picture of what actually happened or how I feel about it either.
It’s really hard for me to be honest about this. I just got home from dinner with two of my closest friends and it was even hard to admit to them that I have my doubts, reservations, and regrets about this project.
We were talking about NGOs and corruption and failed projects, and I had been thinking about how hard (next to impossible) it is for people and organizations to admit that they are sometimes wrong, that they tried something and it didn’t work, that they could’ve done things differently. If it’s this hard for me to admit being less than perfect and I’m only accountable to my family, friends, and myself – I understand why NGOs and others who are accountable to international aid organizations and demanding donors aren’t likely to admit their faults. But I wish they would… it would help improve development so much. I know now that it takes so much bravery to do this, and so much faith that people won’t just walk away but will appreciate that by admitting our shortcomings we can improve on them, instead of pretending they’re not there.
For those of you not familiar with this Photo project, here’s a brief summary: Carly (my amazing and beautiful partner in all of this) and I gave cameras to a group of students (we had a class of eight 10 years olds, half boys and half girls). We met with them once a week for an hour at their school, and went over basic photography skills, like angles, being aware of the background, and the rule of thirds. We gave them film almost every week along with an assignment “Photograph your community,” or “Take pictures that work together to tell a story,” etc. Then we developed their film, returned their pictures, and talked about them as a group. After 10 weeks, we had an exhibition of 20 of their favorite photos at their school. The entire school was there, a handful of parents came, and several of our friends from our programs showed up. This 10 week program probably cost us ~ $300.
So here are my mistakes:
1. I didn’t take enough time to understand the context that I was trying to work in. I wish that I had just hung out at the school or in the community with an open mind, and waited until I understood the dynamic and undercurrents of the place I was putting myself in more deeply. As it was, I still don’t completely understand how classes work at the school we partnered with, because our presence changed things and I had no way of measuring how big or disruptive that change was.
2. I didn’t follow through as much as I could have, especially with record keeping. I would have liked to write about how each lesson went, what topics we covered, and how I felt after each meeting with the kids. It also would have been useful to get feedback from the kids and teachers about how the program went as a form of evaluation.
A lot of other factors made this a tough project to work on: the infrastructure of the school we worked in was pretty basic, so we had to trade off distracting noise and sweltering heat; the equipment that we used had some problems, which led to a lot of time lags and destroyed some of the photographs; and a lot of developing problems came up and made our rate of return around 70% (a third of the photos the kids took were ruined and never printed, which was frustrating for everyone.) Also, the level of English spoken by the kids varied and made it difficult to teach lessons. And the general schoolyard culture was more loud and undisciplined than it has been at other schools or in other countries that I’ve worked in.
I often asked myself whether it would’ve been better if I had just come to the school and offered all of my skills as needed – maybe tutored instead, or supervised the little kids during breaks, or (is this my most valuable contribution?) donated money. I think that in general it is much better to immerse oneself in a context and find out what is needed instead of giving what you want to give. But at the same time – I am passionate about photography and I love teaching it. It was hard to set this program up, and if it wasn’t something I really cared about, I wouldn’t have had the drive to do it and the determination to work through the hard days. I would like to think of myself as someone who could be passionate enough about wanting to help in any capacity that it would have been enough to know that I was helping. But then I remember that without photography, I never would have even contacted this school, let alone braved the sweaty commute and sensory overload that is Nima to visit it once a week.
I’ve sometimes thought that if I really want to make a difference I should just sacrifice what I want and focus on serving others and fulfilling their needs. Then I snap out of this twisted martyrdom dream and realize that there is no way that I could sacrifice myself and what makes me happy and be able to sustain it for any significant amount of time. I believe that people both are at their best when they are happy and doing things that they love. So I can’t criticize myself for wanting to work on a photography project, because it’s what makes me happy and is something I’m willing to put my all into.
Here’s another mistake:
3. Since I wasn’t ready to respond to what this school needed, I wish that I had been ready to find a different school or venue that would have been in a better position to need what I had to offer. A school with slightly better infrastructure, with stronger English skills, a school that was already looking for an art program. I would have had to develop standards for selecting such a school, and it would have taken more time to find the right place. But the project would have had that much more potential to succeed. It would’ve been a hard process – kind of like weeding out the small seedlings at the beginning to give the others a better chance of growing strong. If development organizations were more selective about what specific interventions they undertook and what specific criteria had to be met before they began, I’m sure more projects would be successful and limited resources would be used more effectively. Instead, just like me, it seems that a lot of organizations are excited to do anything anywhere without taking the time to understand if it is the best project for the specific context.
Despite everything I’ve just written, a part of me believes that the main goal of this photography project – to provide an opportunity to a group of students who wouldn’t have had it otherwise – was met perfectly by working in the school that we did. I guess I’ll never really know if we made any real difference or not… and if we did, I don’t think it will have been to turn these eight kids into professional photographers.
I think our presence, despite everything, might have meant something. Our willingness to invest in this school, in these kids, in this project that seems so extravagant – maybe on some small level we managed to communicate that they were worth it.
Or maybe we just came in and did what we wanted to do. I think the answer is probably some combination of both.
In either case, I always knew that I would probably get more out of this than any of the kids that we worked with. And looking back on it, I can already say that that’s true. I’ve learned a lot of lessons about development and NGOs and aid – on a tiny 8 student 1 school scale, but the lessons apply across all levels.
So to everyone who supported me with this – through donations or words of encouragement or buying those delicious unbaked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies –
please don’t think your support was wasted. If nothing else, you helped teach me important lessons that I hope to build on and spread.
And for the record, I do think the kids had fun and got to do something they never would have otherwise. Which is maybe all we could’ve hoped for anyway.
I feel like I’ve just broken every rule of the organization-donor contract – the implicit you help me help someone, I help you feel good about yourself promise. But it seems to me that, like with every good relationship, the organization-donor one would be better if we communicated honestly back and forth.
On that note – please let me know what your reactions and thoughts.
With peace,
PS. After writing this, I visited the school one last time. On my way out, one of the boys we worked with, Shaibu, came running after me with a pen. “Madam, Madam! May I please have your phone number?” It costs a lot to make calls to the US and I doubt that he’ll really call, but it made me realize that if nothing else, we made contact with these kids and through this project, formed relationships that otherwise wouldn’t have existed.
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